My mental health journey: self-punishment and anorexia – Tish

Trauma

My mental health journey started in 2002, after witnessing a six year old boy drowning and the near drowning of a young man a week later.

I was offered counselling at the time, but felt I could handle my feelings and thoughts myself. After a couple of months it was obvious to me I was still troubled, so I saw a psychiatrist and my GP. After several visits I was admitted to the Joondalup Hospital psychiatric ward with depression. I spent some time there and I was medicated and saw a psychiatrist who I didn’t connect with.

Once discharged, I went home and didn’t return to work as I was still depressed. I coped at home for several months. My feelings and thoughts were very mixed.

Anorexia

At this time I made the conscious decision to stop eating as punishment for not being able to cope. The choice not to eat gave me control. However, after many months I was no longer able to make myself eat. Punishment turned into a need to starve myself to death. I became very thin and unwell and was admitted to Hollywood Eating Disorder Clinic with anorexia. I had a tube forced up my nose to feed me, which I was not happy with.

I was transferred from the clinic to Sir Charles Gairdner Hospital D20 psychiatric ward (D20) where they continued to tube feed me. I kept pulling the tubes out and they kept putting them back in. Eventually I was well enough to be discharged. My anorexia was under control, but I was still depressed.

Self-punishment

Once home I made appointments with a psychiatrist at Osborne Park Clinic to try and make sense of my thoughts and feelings and the need to punish myself for not coping with the drownings. I am a wife and mother of two grown up boys. I should be able to cope. I was embarrassed, ashamed and very confused. I felt an overwhelming need to punish myself.

As time passed I became more depressed. As punishment I cut my arm with a sharp knife. The pain felt so good. I was again admitted to D20 where I was under the care of a psychiatrist. I was treated for my symptoms of depression, but not the cause. During this visit I must have done something to warrant being detained under the Mental Health Act and taken to Graylands locked ward. The time spent being locked up is a blur as I was so medicated. The one vivid memory I have is being huddled next to the locked door crying my eyes out, wishing I was dead. Not one staff member came near me to offer comfort or support. Time went by, I was again discharged.

At home, I continued my appointments with the psychiatrist. My depression got worse and this time to punish myself I cut all my hair off. My psychiatrist was concerned with my mental stability so again I was admitted to D20.

Over time I cut my hair off twice more, each time being admitted to D20 with severe depression. Each time my symptoms were treated, but the cause was still not dealt with. This time the decision was made to try Electro Convulsive Therapy. I started having treatments three times a week for a month, then upon discharge I started the maintenance program. I had treatments once a week for several months, then once every two to three weeks for several months. I found the treatment worked for a while but towards the end of the thirteen months (around 70 treatments) it was only holding me steady for a week.

The need to punish myself was still with me.

Also by Tish: My mental health journey: from anxiety to rehabilitation

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