Inner journey: learning to live with bipolar – Jamie Beggs

Spain

I was having a great time away and was glad that I had achieved my dream of travelling the world. As a result of speaking a lot of Spanish I was noticing that I was feeling quite tired mentally. I had also noticed over the time that I had spent at the festival, that my thought processes had sped up from time to time. I remember as I was talking to Neil that I felt like getting away and that relaxing for a few days in San Sebastian would be a good idea. After talking to the girls, Neil and I decided we were going to head up to the mussel bar, which was a place where a number of Australians and New Zealanders met during the festival. As we were walking through the streets I recall feeling quite faint. I was having a general conversation with Neil about my trip and what I was planning on doing in the future. As I was talking, I once again noticed that my thought processes had begun to speed up. I explained to Neil that something was happening to me and that I would need to sit down. Neil said he would get me a glass of water from one of the bars along the street and I waited on a small fence on the side of the road. I continued to feel light headed. Neil returned with a glass of water and I had a sip of the water and tried to get my thoughts together.

After five minutes or so I got off the fence and once again felt faint. The next thing that occurred was that my legs buckled under me and I collapsed, falling to the ground. I think I blacked out briefly, but found that upon regaining consciousness, my thoughts were still racing. My thoughts were not unlike a tape recorder being sped up. By this time Neil had run off to call an ambulance. I remember finding it hard to gain control of my thoughts as I was beginning to panic, wondering what was happening to me. There were people gathered around where I had collapsed and I remember a Spanish girl speaking to me and holding my hand to comfort me. My body felt completely lifeless as I was lying on the side of the road, and by this point I felt I was going to die. It was after another minute or so that I felt volts of energy charge through my body and from lying on the ground feeling completely lifeless I was thrown into the air and onto my feet.

I was amazed to find myself back on my feet, but I noticed that my thoughts were still racing as I was trying to compose myself. I saw the ambulance that Neil had called and thought it would be wise to go to the hospital. I got into the back of ambulance when two paramedics yelled “tranquilo” (“calm down”); I must have shown them that I was startled by what had just happened. I rode in the back of the ambulance, still trying to gain control of my thoughts.  I found that my thoughts had become disconnected and I had the perception of hearing voices. I was becoming restless as I found myself experiencing what was later described to me as a psychotic episode.

Feeling frightened

I became very paranoid as I arrived at the hospital and my thinking had become disordered. I was now actually quite frightened by what I had just been through. Neil had been in the front of the ambulance and was walking into the hospital with me when my paranoia increased and I felt I had to get away from the hospital. I was overwhelmed with fear as I ran through the streets, still hearing voices and find it difficult to gain control of my thoughts. I ran, not knowing where I was going, just barely managing to avoid the oncoming traffic. Neil ran after me, noticing that I was scared and when I eventually stopped, he approached me with caution, allowing me time to calm down. I was breathing heavily after running for over a kilometre to get away from the hospital. Neil continued to talk to me, telling me to remain calm. I was starting to gain more control after what felt like wrestling for power over my thoughts. I was beginning to breathe more evenly but now felt dehydrated and gestured to Neil that I needed some water. We found a café not far from where I had stopped running and by this time I sat down quite calmly and drank some water. I was frightened by the whole experience, trying to understand what had just happened. Neil, who obviously found it difficult to comprehend my behaviour, continued to reassure me that everything was all right.

This is an extract from Inner Journey: Learning to live with bipolar by Jamie Beggs. Visit Jamie’s website and order his book at www.jamiebeggs.com.au

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